09-06-2012, 06:49 PM
So I removed all of the unnecessary extra stuff, and left the part that is somewhat usable.
[spoiler]
I suggest that you rewrite everything, without as much clunky robotic dialogue, and with actual detail, not just, "then Haiku was an awesome ninja and killed everyone, the end."
[spoiler]
(07-09-2012, 11:23 AM)Makermatic21 Wrote: With a mighty leap into the air Haiku plunges the sword into the heart of the fearsome beast. As it writhes in pain Haiku fails to notice it’s tail. With its dying breath the dragon hits Haiku with a mighty blow. Haiku flies out of the cave and into a tree. Though the dragon is felled, Haiku is now rendered unconscious. Now mortally wounded Haiku lies near a brook. Across the brook is a local fisherman. Seeing a body, the fisherman makes his way to Haiku. Noticing his various wounds the stranger carries Haiku to his bow and begins to row back to his house.[/spoiler]
I suggest that you rewrite everything, without as much clunky robotic dialogue, and with actual detail, not just, "then Haiku was an awesome ninja and killed everyone, the end."