Right then, time for a script revision. What I want to focus on is giving the Koopa Bros. more rounded personalities (with the possible exception of Red due to what kind of character he is) and stick closely to the personalities I intended for them.
Just click here if you want to see what I have in mind for them.
By the way, I was going to mention this before in the post I was describing the Koopa Bros. personalities, but the post went on for longer than I liked it to, so I had to cut it out. Before I show you the script I wrote, I want to give my two cents on the other changes Kosheh brought up.
- When I read the script again prior to Kosheh's rewrite of the first couple of parts, I saw several typos throughout. Even though the typos wouldn't badly affect the script, I'm not against changing them (especially since I almost instantly correct any typos I spot in my posts). I just didn't get around to correcting the typos because it's easier to work on the full script in Microsoft Word (which currently doesn't work right now ever since my dad replaced the hard drive).
- I don't know how I feel about Bombette being called the "pink Bob-omb." It just seems a little generic. I only chose "dame" to fit with Red's habit of disrespecting others. I could always go with "chick" or "babe" instead. Probably the former since "babe" would suggest that Red has a crush on her.
- I never really thought about emphasizing certain words for the most part. I was intending that to be up to the voice actor to decide which words and phrases need more emotional stress (with the exception of when I specifically point out which parts need that kind of stress). In spite of that, I'll try Kosheh's method to see how that works out.
- When it comes to additional actions not covered in the script, such as sprite flipping in the dialog, I honestly want to save it for when I work on the storyboard and rough out the animation. Still, I don't exactly mind adding more actions in just in case some actions are not clear and/or need more details.
- I'm cool with the K-Game pun. I'll be sure to throw it in there.
- When I read over my first edition of the script after Kosheh brought up this detail, I was smacking my head and asking myself why I didn't give Bowser a nickname over and over again. Even Red, who is the most informal of the bunch and the most like Michelangelo, just calls him Bowser.
- Actually, having Black sigh and walk out is a good idea. At the same time, though, I also want to show Black's competence as a ninja, so I'm thinking a compromise between these two ideas could work.
- As for using joke weapons for the Koopa Bros., I'm actually fine with that. The only problem is that it's hard to pull it off in this short. The only one actually fighting is Black, but he is way too serious to consider using anything besides actual ninja gear unless he has to improvise. This might end up as something I need to save for later shorts, but I can at least imagine this concept clearly for the remaining three Koopa Bros. Red will try to pass off his joke weapons as the real deal and gets irritated if someone points it out. Green is a bit more modest about it, but he is actually successful with using these kind of weapons. As for Yellow, I imagine him using goofy devices made from discarded junk that are similar to the ones seen throughout
Ed, Edd, 'n' Eddy.
[spoiler='Now then, I digressed enough. It's time to move onto the first part of the script. If it turns out I got the second revision right, I'll move onto the next part and give it the same treatment. By the way, my notes on the script are in red in case it isn't obvious enough.']
The Koopa Bros.: Back in Action
(The title of the short appears over an outside pan of the Koopa Bros. Fortress. I do not know if the fortress should look like it has seen better days or not ever since its appearance in
Paper Mario. Inside, we find
Red pacing around and sighing in the bedroom of the Koopa Bros.
Yellow is nearby soldering a motherboard at a table.)
I changed this scene around a bit to include Yellow right off the bat instead of just walk in a bit later. My intention for this is to incorporate a clear example of his superior intellect without dragging out the story longer than need or messing with the flow overall.
Red: *Sigh* Bogus… Another day doin' jack all…
(
Yellow sets down his soldering tool and looks at
Red.)
Yellow: Is there something troubling you, Red?
My intention for Yellow's method of speaking this time around is to be politically correct and more scholarly. Even though he is based on Donatello, I actually had Edd in mind when developing his character.
Red: You're the, like, brainiac on the team, Yellow. Figure it out yerself.
Looking back at the original script, I made Red too polite during that phrase. Kosheh did well by adding just a smidgen of obnoxiousness there, which I translated over to this revision.
????: Save your brainpower, Yellow. He's just whining about how we haven't got a gig from Bowser in ages.
(
Red gets startled by this comment as the camera quickly shifts to
Black sitting on the bed next to him.)
Red: *Pants a bits* JEEZ, Black! You've been there long!? Stop usin' that totally freaky ninja stuff on me!
Green: *Offscreen* Red! RED! *Barges in* What's wrong! What's wro- WHOA!
(
Green trips on the floor and
Red facepalms.)
Red: Still bein' a clutz as aways, ya cheeseball?
Black: Don't pay any attention to that coward, Green. He was only startled when I sneaked up on him during another pointless venting session.
(
Red glares at
Black.)
Green: Oh? Was he ventin' about how we're unemployed every since Kammy lost her position next to Big B?
Red: *Facepalming* No… I was jabbin' about how us four ain't in Smash Bros… *Waits a bit and then explodes into a rage* OF COURSE I WAS RANTIN' ABOUT THAT, SHELL-BRAIN! After Blue Robes got back his, like, Merlin gig from Kamms, the head honcho ain't got use for us yet! Due to that bodaciously raw deal, we lack the goons and dough from keeping this fort from goin' south!
When I was thinking about rewriting the script, the idea occurred to me to have Green listen to Red's exposition. The problem before was that Red was telling it to Yellow, who is clearly the smartest on the team and likely to know all this. My logic now is that I think I'll be able to get away with it by having Red explain it to someone he assumes is an idiot.
(As
Red is shouting at
Green,
Green is cowering before
Red.
Yellow is worried and puts his hand over his mouth, while
Black is standing there rolling his eyes with his arms crossed.)
Green: *After a moment, he composes himself by taking a deep breath* You didn't have to, like, blow your stack, dude. I was only askin'… Say, why's this place goin' south anyhow? Seems fine to me.
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look mighty funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for some BODACIOUS reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and that Bob-omb chick blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a totally weak Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that, like, undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
(As
Red is explaining his dilemma, the camera cuts and pans around various parts of the fortress. The hallway with the firebars shows the firebars all burnt out with ashes in their places. When the camera shows the base of entry tower with the pool of water, the green pool of sludgy water bubbles as a octopus tentacle rises from it. As for the cell where the Bob-ombs were once held, it shows the inside has graffiti in it. There is a lone Dry Bones collapsed on the floor, but it shortly rearranges its pieces back together and lets out an eerie cackle. When
Red is done explaining, the camera cuts back to the bedroom.)
Green: Aw, it's not so bad, Red! That thing in the water's totally nice, especially when you feed it pizza! Also, that was me lettin' those guys out.
(
Red gives
Green an annoyed look.)
Green: What? Bill Bones gets shy a lot and he pays the rent down there!
Black: Heh… From what Green is saying, we're better off making this place a cheap motel just to pay for renovations… Still, if it'll keep you from whining all the time, I'd say we try doing Bowser a favor.
Red: Get another job from King Firebreath? The guy hates our guts too much to even put us on, like, KP duty just to get minimum wage…
Green: But, Red, I thought King B just isn't interested in us nomores since we're hardly anymore effective than even his averadge lack-
Red: SHUT UP, ya IDIOT! He hate's use since Fatty Red creamed us and that's THAT!
Yellow: Green is right, Red. No offense to you, but Bowser clearly used terms and facial expressions to show indifference when we saw him last. Now that I think of it, Kammy Koopa was the only reason he even considered hiring-
Red: Yeah yeah… Whatever, Yellow… Look, guys, the only way to, like, earn back the big guy's trust is to mop the floor with a certain plumber, but good luck tryin' to take out the guy who totally make the king of us look bogus.
Green: Don't forget he even thrashed that baby Koopa dude who totally curb stomped us back at-
Red: CAN IT, GREEN!
Yellow: May I make a suggestion, Red? Perhaps if we took an important person in Mario's life as a hostage, we could use it as a kind of bargaining chip to gain the upper-hand?
Red: And that's why you're totally the Einstein on our team, Yellow! *Thinks for a bit* Now, Peach is out since they probably, like, beefed up security with all the times the bossman snatches her up.
Green: Actually, last time I heard, her place is still totally free from any-
Red: *Snaps fingers* BINGO, dudes! Remember Plumber Boy's gang of dweebs he kept during that, like, Star Spirits rigmarole? We nab one and this plan goes to Radical City!
Black: Red, none of those guys are completely helpless. You're better off catching Luigi, who is actually quite simple to-
Red: C'mon, bros! Get your K-Game on 'cuz we're headin' out to Goomba Village! As for you, Yellow, how about makin' yourself, like, useful and get one of yer totally rad trap doohickies?
Yellow: I actually have this really brilliant one I'm just about to put the finishing touches on, so give me a moment to find it.
(
Red grins at this idea and both he and
Yellow exit the bedroom.
Green looks at
Black, who sighs and preforms a single bacflip out the window.
Green looks frontwards toward the viewer and makes an "I-don't-know" pose at the viewer before leaving.)
[/spoiler]